So I’m sure that millions of dollars in research grant money and thousands of hours of mind-boggling experiments and brilliant studies and brain-frazzling analyzations and graph-making parties have been poured into the study of how humans relate to each other, but today, as I was sneakily pretending to study and actually watching people cleverly out of the corner of my eye (I know, I know…my ingenuity surprises even myself sometimes), I observed something pretty basic that didn’t cost any research dollars (another fact of which, I confess, I am rather proud).

See, here’s the thing: when people—and by people I specifically mean a guy and a girl—like each other? It kinda shows. Even if it’s a super duper masculine burly type of a woman and her skinny white nerdy wussy-looking scruff-muffin of a love interest. And if people (and by people, I now mean socially awkward freshmen boys who are dreadfully and concerningly girl-crazy but have no clue how to go about getting any member of the fairer sex to cast so much as a favorable glance in their direction) would just watch the other people (other people referring to the love-struck duos who populate Liberty’s campus in numbers so large as to be semi-miraculous), Girl-Crazies could perhaps pick up some valuable tips from the Star-struck on how to read (and respond to) body language appropriately.
Just a few of the things I’ve observed in the past 24 hours.

Tip #1: if a girl likes a boy, she will stand close to him. So if a boy approaches a girl, and she looks happy to see him, engages him in conversation, and moves a hand/foot/her whole self towards his general direction during the conversation? That’s a good sign. The Girl-Crazy will probably never get this sign, but normal males could interpret this as an encouraging indicator. The converse is also true, and this is why many Girl-Crazies find that when they approach a girl, the girl will turn around and walk rapidly in the other direction. This is not a sign of affection, and no, she is not inviting you to pursue. She is praying that God will strike you with lightening.

Tip #2: If a girl likes a boy, she will laugh at his jokes. Even if they’re not funny. So if you tell a knock-knock joke and she falls off her chair and laughs for five minutes? That’s another good sign. (Except it may also be an indication of insanity, or a sign that you have a bug on your face). But if you tell a genuinely funny joke and it gets merely a stiff, barely-polite smile in response? That is absolutely not the time to try a second joke, or try to grab her hand playfully. She is on the verge of an emotional eruption, and she may also be seriously PMS-ing. Turn around and walk away.

Tip #3: If a boy likes a girl, or a girl likes a boy (yes, amazingly enough, this one appears to go both ways), they will touch each other. I know, I know, Americans don’t believe in ever physically laying hands on each other if at all avoidable (germaphobes), but friends—and especially lovers—will often breach this social regulation. That’s how you know they actually enjoy each other’s company and aren’t secretly planning to destroy each other at the end of 2012. It may be merely a playful swat on the arm, or a hearty handshake, or a high five, or a hug…but if people genuinely enjoy one another? At some point, they’ll probably touch. And again, the converse is true. If you go to hug someone, and they duck away and don’t respond in kind, or they simply hesitate and look uncomfortable? They probably don’t want to hug you. This is not an invitation to tackle them. It means keep your distance.



Tip #4: this one’s for the boy-crazy girls…because craziness definitely crosses gender lines. If a boy looks at you and smiles? This does not mean that he a) thinks you are the most strikingly gorgeous creature he has ever laid eyes upon, b) understands all of your emotional needs and wants to meet all of them ASAP, and c) is planning to marry you as soon as he can convince his parents that it’s a good idea for them to have both of you living in their basement bedroom. What is MAY mean is that he is 1) friendly, open to conversation, and has a lively personality, 2) just being polite—most people in America smile back if you smile first, 3) knows you already and thinks you’re cool, 4) thinks your mismatched socks and pigtails look ridiculous, or 5) is not even looking at you because he’s actually smiling at his friend, who happens to be standing right behind you, or 6) thinks you’re kinda cute and wants to make friendly conversation for the sake of boosting his male ego while simultaneously petting your feminine sense of importance. Please note that none of these is remotely close to a proposal of marriage and should not be interpreted as such, or he may run very quickly in the other direction next time he sees you coming.